6/18/2005: Reality roundup
It's high season for reality tv.. let's see what's going on. VH1 is way ahead as far as the networks - they came in late to the reality game and are quietly winning the race for the most watchable shows.
Currently running:
30 Days (FX)
This one has been given its own page.
Dancing with the Stars (ABC)
Take champion ballroom dancers, pair them up with reality show caliber celebs, and teach them to dance. Eliminations come from a panel of experts tempered by public vote - since neither the experts nor the public understands all the criteria. "Bachelorette" Trista of tv wedding fame was first out because she didn't dance sexy enough. Evander Holyfield went next which was a shame, he was one of the most fun to watch. Still on the dance floor are Rod Stewart's ex Rachel Hunter, soap star Kelly Monaco, New Kid Joey McIntyre, and John O'Hurley, Mr. Peterson on "Seinfeld" and former host of "To Tell the Truth", who is far and away the best of the bunch. Kudos to their professional dance partners who each deserve mountains of credit for making these folks look so good - they aren't just two-stepping out there. This one's more fun than it should be.
Stripsearch (VH1)
Supposedly a nationwide search turned up these fifteen guys who are trying to avoid elimination so they can end up in the final seven, who will be a team of Vegas showboys. Just one problem: most of them can't dance. It's pretty funny watching them try though. It's fun watching them fight and gossip and vie for attention too. I don't think any of them own a shirt. The testosterone level of this jock/frat show is off the charts and the buff boys' cumulative IQ is about 45, but both are easily balanced by host Rachel Perry, the voice of all those VH1 countdown shows.
Britney and Kevin Chaotic (UPN/MTV)
This one may be over, but it's such a train wreck it's hard to tell. These two are the poster kids for horny white trash and they'll make you scream at the injustice of excessive wealth distribution.
Kept (VH1)
Mick Jagger's former Jerry Hall is looking for a new pet, and she's flown 12 American guys to London to compete for the place at her feet. The contests are a bit different in this one: they have to learn to dress, eat, dance, and talk properly, as Jerry runs in some fast & fancy circles. A lot of her celeb friends are along for the ride, including designers, artists, rockstar wives and titled nobility. Unfortunately she's already eliminated the only guy who understood the concept and had the submissive-male mentality combined with self assurance (a rare combo) that she's looking for.
True Life / Made (MTV)
Both of these shows are better than they should be and ring truer than most. They've either started up new seasons or will soon. Each highlights teens and 20s who are a whole lot more real than the usual "Real World"/"Road Rules" kids, and they're dealing with real situations.
Fire Me Please (CBS), Hell's Kitchen (Fox), The Cut (CBS)
These are all overscripted, overedited, predictable, and dull. Tommy Hilfiger of "The Cut" should know better.. but since he doesn't seem to, he should bring in daughter Ally who had a pretty good run as one of MTV's "Rich Girls".
Coming up: 
Surreal Life (VH1)
This has been one of the better shows for its past few rounds as it's got a casting team who knows how to mix it up right. They stick six semi- and quasi- and former celebs in a Hollywood mansion and roll cameras. Not voting anyone off the island doesn't necessarily keep things friendly: when bad things happen, they are refreshingly personal. Starting soon we'll have Jose Canseco (didn't sell enough books, I guess), Janice Dickinson (fired by Tyra Banks), "Apprentice" loser Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth, Bronson "Balki" Pinchot, Sandi "Pepa" Denton, X-games/motocross racer Carey Hart, and UK model Caprice. Andy Dick will escort them into the house and Sally Jessy Raphael will escort them out, as usual. This one will be better than it sounds - it always is. I don't think the producers are pulling for Canseco: their publicity pics show him striking out, getting tagged out, missing a fly ball, and.. pitching?
Celebrity Fit Club (VH1)
This one's coming back and a good thing too. The last round had the best of everything: Wendy "Snapple Lady" Kaufman made you want to be her best friend, and Daniel Baldwin got so strung out on drugs he didn't even show up for the finale. Wendy's coming back for round two (yay), along with new chubbies Gary Busey, Jackee Harry, Willie Aames ("Eight is Enough"), Tocarra Jones (not "American's Next Top Model"), Phil Margera (Bam's dad), Jani Lane (Warrant), and Victoria Jackson (SNL). Harvey the Marine is coming back too, but we're getting new medico "experts". I think it's a no-brainer that Busey will take Baldwin's role.. but Phil Margera will make the show.
I Want to be a Hilton (NBC)
Paris & Nicky's mom Kathy sets out to adopt a new kid.
Hogan Knows Best (VH1)
Hulk Hogan at home, highly overprotective of his daughter Brooke.
Brat Camp (ABC)
This one looks like it's about sending obnoxious rich teens to boot camp, much like daytime shows have been doing for years. <yawn>
Real World (MTV)
This is really the one that started it all, until "Survivor" added a jungle ambience and ran with it. RW is back for a 16th season with a new crop of hormonally challenged hot stuffs. This time the angry and angsty 20-somethings are in Austin so expect a lot of bar bands with the booze.
Tommy Lee Goes to College (NBC)
Pamela's ex enrolls at the University of Nebraska, Lincoln and joins the marching band. What makes this one interesting is that Tommy Lee blamed Mötley Crüe bandmate Vince Neil for "dragging what's left of a once-great band" when Neil went on "Surreal Life", and that he'd sunk to "an all-time low" by doing so. Neil later had a "Swan" type makeover on VH1, complete with facelift and liposuction.
Big Brother 6 (CBS)
This is the mac daddy of reality shows, because it's the only one that lets us watch everything as it happens, before the editors get hold of it. The broadcast shows begin July 7 and will be on most Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays through September. But the broadcast shows aren't the meat of this one - the 24/7 webcast feeds from inside the house are where the big fun comes from, most of which doesn't ever show up on CBS. I'll be monitoring the feeds again this year and reporting on them daily with a bad attitude at HamsterWatch.com.
